Wednesday, January 25, 2012

2012: The Golden Year

"I have accepted fear as part of life -- specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back...."
-- Erica Jong

2012 is my Golden year. I turned 27 on the 27th and I'm embarking on a journey of brutally honest soul-searching. Everybody close to me knows by now, but to the world wide web: Jonathan and I are getting a divorce. To summarize, we did couples counseling which turned into solo counseling for me (which is a rather embarrassing thing to admit... while I strongly believe in the benefits of counseling and therapy, I never thought I'd be the one having to go) which helped me realize that if I truly respect and admire Jonathan as much as I claimed, I needed to leave him. I'm not in love with him and to remain in a marriage out of comfort and convenience's sake would be the most unfair, cruel thing I could do to him. I've been a bad wife and a bad friend to him when he deserved and deserves better.

We've been over since the ending-it-all conversation... all that's left is the paperwork and physical acts of separating two lives which shared eight years together. I want to travel, do things I've never been able to do before now. I don't ever want to compromise a dream for a relationship again and I want to do me. It seems so selfish but I feel so lost at times and I need to find my way back to myself. My friends all appear so confident in their lives, steadfast in their choices, career-paths, relationships, etc... I envy their sureness so deeply, my soul is tinged green. I long to feel secure in happiness derived of myself and build a life of self-dependency.

For a long time, I thought I could be happy staying with Jonathan because he's so good that if being with me made him happy, I could give him that because he deserved it. It's hard to accept (because it feels selfish) that that isn't right, it isn't good enough, it isn't fair. If I'm not happy, how can I be in a happy relationship? I need to live for my happiness first, before I can share that with anyone else.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, the hardest thing I've ever been through. For the most part, I'm okay. At the core of it, I know I'm making the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm able to laugh, smile and genuinely enjoy life but at the same time, I'm straining from grasping to control so tightly. If I allow myself the slightest moment of weakness, I fear I'll lose myself to this ball of chaotic feelings swirling inside of me. People who know ask me frequently how I'm doing. I appreciate their concern but I can't talk about it. There are too many emotions that are ripping me apart inside for me to voice any right now. No, I'm not okay. I'm fucking dying inside every day knowing I screwed this up, that I disappointed so many people, including myself. I'm not just hurting myself, I'm not just hurting Jonathan, I'm hurting our families, our loved ones. I'm single-handedly destroying so much. I broke a promise, I murdered our dreams of a future together. When we'd speak nervously about our someday children, I just erased them and their possibility. I don't know how I'm to be trusted ever again. I don't know how to forgive myself.

My logic soothes me, the emotional creature I am, listing the rationale behind it all. It's the survivor in me, dousing the flames which threaten to consume me.

I'm not okay right now. I will be okay, though. Baby steps. First, I need to find myself and live for myself.

"I could die for you. But I couldn't, and wouldn't, live for you."
-- Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead