What You Do

"When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do." 

-Randy Pausch

You are brilliant, my darling.

Exhausted by Nothing Changing

image credit: http://thoughtquestions.com

"All our silences in the face of racist assault are acts of complicity." 

-Bell Hooks, killing rage: Ending Racism

I sit in my chair. You sit in your chair. We talk about cats, daughters, baking and inept customer service experiences. Then you assume I'm like you; you assume I'm a bigot, a racist, a misogynist, a homophobe, a classist. Is it my blonde hair? My white skin? Perhaps my education? Two things hereditary, one thing determinedly achieved. Regardless, you feel comfortable enough (please don't ever think comfort is found is hate) to spew your asinine opinions on gender. On sexuality. On welfare. On abortion. All of it, so awful. 

I will not tolerate the casual use of the n-word. I will not tolerate belittling, gay slurs. I will not tolerate your willful ignorance. I will not tolerate your degradation of immigrants or of the impoverished.

I will. not. and never. ever. tolerate these things.

America, let's get some fucking facts straight:

1) Abortion: government and religious (LOL YOU THINK YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN? YOU GOT JOKES FOR DAYS.) fanatics: stay the hell away from legislating women's bodies. Simply put: you are not welcome. If you don't like abortions, don't get one but don't you ever think you can inhibit a free people from this very important procedure. If you're a Christian and claim that it's murder, you do realize this is not a Christian theocracy, right? This is a country for all religions and those who want nothing to do with religion. Your religious doctrines have no bearing over anybody. Get. Over. It.

2) Homosexuality: love is love, okay? "It's not natural, Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve!" I almost hate to tell people I consider myself a Christian because of all the horrible things idiots have done to a beautiful faith. These homophobic idiots fail to understand that Jesus doesn't give one single shit about a person's sexuality. You know what Jesus cares about? Loving your neighbor and loving Him. Judging? I'm 100% sure He tells us to leave that up to him. Refer to #1: The United States of America, not The United States of misguided Christianmobrule.

3) Racism: STOP. SAYING. THE. N-WORD. It is never acceptable. "They say it, so why can't I?" Because you are not part of a group of people, visible by their very skin color, who have been dehumanized throughout history, specifically by Americans, because of their pigmentation. You will never understand. The best you can do is use your imagination to empathize what it's like without our white privilege. 

4) Women: I feel so powerless sometimes knowing that my gender dictates that my pay will not be equal, I will be under more societal pressure and I will always face sexual discrimination in my chosen industry (Oh hai oil!). I love my state, but to be a woman here is a very hard thing. I'm told what I can and cannot do with my body, which makes me so furious to the point I become numb. Did y'all know Texas ruled that it was okay to murder a prostitute if you pay her and she doesn't have sex with you? No, that didn't happen in 1833, that happened in 2013. 

5) Welfare: Harkening back to my Christian brethren: you better not ever breathe one word about hating welfare, lazy poor people, etc to me. I bet Jesus would slap you straight. As Christians, you should be the ones leading the way to putting much needed funds in impoverished hands. WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. Also, rich, privileged people: quit it. You have never known a day of struggle in your life. Stop lecturing people who have only ever been handed lemons. I hope they squirt that juice in your dollar-sign eyes. 

Please stop being a bunch of stupid, fucking dickheads. You're stressing me out and making me ashamed of many things: being a Christian, living in Texas, being white, etc. 

I used to sit there and let people spew their vile opinions because I didn't have the energy to debate their idiocy. But fuck it; if they have the gall to offend me, their narrow-minds can just deal with my moral outrage verbalized.

Fuck That Shit,

christine

DA BOOT

"Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol." 

- Steve Martin

No shame in my game. Brittney & I start our personal NaNoWriMo next month (fml two weeks away) and I haven't the slightest clue about what to write. I think it's supposed to be a cohesive novel, not a series of short stories, which I could eek out by recanting my wild and detailed dreams. 

Ideally, though, this forced writing will turn into a best-seller, then a sweet movie deal which will lead to early retirement and I can own a horse farm, make babies and read books on my nook all day every day. And drink bourbon champagne out of boots with egg rolls for dindin.

It's the simple things I want.

I read about this unemployed teacher who found $20,000 in cash and she returned it to the bank. I'd be so torn about returning that. LIKE MAYBE THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO BUY A NEW CAR OR PAY OFF SOME STUDENT DEBT. Weird, my education cost more than a car and all that got me was a head full of book quotes and the ability to rearrange sentences so they don't end with a preposition (although that isn't necessary as long as you have the object for that little bitch). SPEAKING OF CARS: one, please just materialize for me. I'm scared to get another one because it'll probably be smashed to pieces again and I just can't deal with that anymore. At all. If I ever have one more, "Well, we have no idea how you survived this" conversation with a public servant, I will just keel over dead. BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW EITHER. My heart hurts from the stress. 

This woman died in my building at 34 of a heart attack in her sleep. Scary.

I need a drink.

I SUCK AT BLOGGING.

 
 "I would always rather be happy than dignified." 

 -Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre 

 Oh hai blog. Long time no see, my bad. I guess I got rather busy with working, living, cooking, sleeping, etc. I don't even remember what was so trying in my last entry that my body shut down. Thanks body, for erasing that apparently unpleasant period of life.

 Updates: 

 1) Tom and I have moved in together. We now reside in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath townhouse with Kitty, Figgy and our recent additional roomie: Cleo the Betta. 

 2) I have a new job. SO LONG TMK. PRAISE JESUS. AMEN. I now work for a brilliant company that doesn't treat me deplorably and where I feel valued and appreciated. 

 3) I bought my first car (!) and three weeks later totaled it! I feel and felt like such a dumbass loser for being so mentally shaken by this event, but I'm pretty sure something in me is irreparably damaged by this event and situations occurring from it. 

 4) Brittney's dad passed away from cancer (upon thinking of this, I think that's why my last update was somber). I sent out an email to my famfam telling them when Brit's dad was put on hospice care and I'll share: 

 "His liver is failing. The doctor gave him 2 weeks to 2 months but realistically, they're meeting with directors today to plan his funeral. They're setting up the details of hospice, end of life care. He's jaundiced, tired, unable to really eat. He’ll stay in bed more and more until one day he’s gone. I hate the fade of cancer, the lengthening of grief which glimmers with disappointing hope. I’m tired of watching people I love break over the agony of their family suffering through this. Your body destroys itself, homicidal, confused and merciless. It doesn’t care that you have two daughters still to walk down the aisle someday, or grandbabies that want to hear bedtime stories from papa. It turns an unfeeling, blind eye to your wife who will most likely lose the meager control you help her retain, spiraling into familiar depression, probably leading us all into the now known territory of funeral arrangements. 

 Why do good fathers die and bad ones live? I will never understand this world and I will never understand cancer. 

 Brittney is in Belton right now and during our conversation last night, she expressed anxiety over not knowing how long to stay. She can’t stay two months, but she doesn’t want to leave and have him die without her there. The only advice I could offer was to stay as long as felt right. This never gets easier, even with practice. There aren’t words to comfort when death is looming. There is nothing you can do. I hate time and its methodical pace. I suppose cancer is at least gracious in its ability to allow us time to say our goodbyes. Car wrecks and heart attacks happen so suddenly, you’re reeling in shock at the funeral, grief barely there because it’s all so unreal. So maybe there is one pro in this list of cons; we can prepare, we can get final hugs, we can be there.

 I’m really tired of cancer."

 Life doesn't slow down, offer any apologies or even attempt to make excuses. It happens and it's hard and the pitfalls encountered are only surmountable through friends, family, laughter and small moments of happy. 

 I need to get back to work. Bai.

Sleep Therapy

I crashed last night. After dinner, Tom & I attempted to watch a movie about a tire that was rolling around the desert blowing objects & people up with its mind. We'd recently bought a new chair & ottoman after discovering we both fit into like a glove, able to cuddle & movie in comfortable bliss.

Unfortunately, maybe 45 minutes into the movie & I was snoozing. I knew I was fidgeting like a psycho (thanks twitchy legs & menstrual cramps) so I grabbed my deliciously warm blanket from the dryer & went to bed. I slept hard immediately.

Sometimes it just happens. I cannot keep my eyes open. It's a losing battle with consciousness. Why? Am I THAT exhausted? No?

I think it's my body's self preservation act in progress. Yesterday was a very, very trying day. My body knew if it didn't shut down to put some space between yesterday & today, I would probably explode.

So thank you body. Thank you for knowing, even when I refuse to see it, that sometimes, I need a break. I need time to shut down, process, forget.