Mommyhood

"You’re not alone when you’re trying to figure out how to buy groceries, cook dinner, wash the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, run the errands, and basically just keep your house running in addition to working, commuting, and spending quality time with your kids. You’re not alone when you’re struggling to physically and mentally relax because there’s always something to be done. A mother’s work is never done, Mama. You know that better than anyone." -ScaryMommy

Mommy guilt is so real. Dropping Rose off at daycare for the first day, I felt like a failure. Why couldn't I somehow make it work to stay home with her? I know logically that's silly, that she's gaining beneficial social development I could never provide her on my own, that she's fine.

Knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier to feel like I'm doing the right thing. What if she loves her teachers more? Missing anything Rose does breaks my heart. The relief I feel when I'm at work, enjoying time spent with other adults, advancing my career, is always present with guilt. Immense, crushing guilt.

Today I am beyond exhausted. Rose woke up twice during the night (hello 4-month sleep regression), & she's still on antibiotics for her cold, which, it's such a joy to give a baby medicine said no one ever. Every morning we have to get her ready, feed her, change her, snuggle her, make sure her diaper bag is packed, give Kitty her medicine, get ourselves ready, make sure my pumping supplies are packed. Add on top of this, I had to round up our foster kittens, & we had to repair the blinds they tore down in the night.

I get to go home to clean up our back room from our temporary kitty guests, finish Tom's father's day gift, wash Rose's diapers, tackle our laundry (omg it's so out of control), dishes, dinner maybe, give Kitty her other medicine, clean the cat boxes, maybe sleep.

So I feel guilty that I'll be relieved when Rose going to bed so I can get things done much more quickly than I could while wearing her.

It's so exhausting & overwhelming sometimes. I could take it easier. I could stop fostering cats. I could let the house run a little less tidy.

Just kidding. We'll keep our house clean, get it all done, & save lives.

Illiterate

"Read in order to live." 

-Gustave Flaubert

I read an article about a man who grew up not knowing how to read (he eventually learned & went on to become a successful speaker & writer, hoorah!) & I almost glossed over it; a child grows up in poverty, is dismissed through class/race/social structures, of course he couldn't be expected to read -- nothing new here.

But then I thought about it again, about how incomprehensible surviving illiteracy is to me. You see, reading is a fundamental fact of my existence. How are there people in this world who live without words?

It is one of the greatest tragedies of our global society we'd find it acceptable to maintain such high levels of illiteracy.

In the article, the author had a teacher who shamed him for his lack of ability & when he encountered this teacher as an adult, he implored him to teach the next generation how to read instead of belittling them for it. It's not an innate skill our bodies involuntarily do; our eyes don't absorb words the way our lungs ventilate oxygen.

To make this world better, we need readers. We need the idea drinkers, the thought producers, the word lovers.

Good, Gifted, Lovely

"I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you. You are my sympathy–my better self–my good angel–I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you–and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one." -Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I am happy.

I have a life full of love.

I want my body back.

"When you're pregnant, you can think of nothing but having your own body to yourself again, yet after having given birth you realize that the biggest part of you is now somehow external, subject to all sorts of dangers and disappearance, so you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out how to keep it close enough for comfort. That's the strange thing about being a mother: until you have a baby, you don't even realize how much you were missing one."

-Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

I'm 27 weeks pregnant.

I feel large & I'm starting to waddle. I'm having issues with my sciatica nerve (thank god for chiropractors), I just blew my nose to find blood, sneezing terrifies me (LOL at the fun with these allergies), & the kicking is both an absolute joy & an absolute annoyance. 

I've never had a uti in my life, now I've had two. The most recent one saw me contemplating moving into the bathroom as the antibiotics ravaged my body, all the while, the little girl in my tummy kicking my already heaving insides. The very beginnings of parenthood already full of beauty & wonder, vomit & poop.

I can't believe I theoretically have 13 more weeks until I deliver this tiny human. I'm only going to get larger. I like finally having a baby bump, but I'm slightly anxious about how rotund I'll grow. Bellies at 40 weeks cease looking cute & just look obscene. 

For someone who doesn't like working out really, I cannot wait to actually be able to run again, to exert myself to the limit physically, to heave out of breath without worrying about the forming fetus sharing my body. Little tenet, I can't wait to evict you!

Mother Bear

"I shall not change my course because those who assume to be better than I desire it."

- Victoria Claflin Woodhull

My feminism is a burning fire in my heart. With my daughter taking shape in my body, it only burns brighter. 

I will shout from the rooftops & force you to eat your inequality before I let you get to her. I will make this world better for her. She will be raised knowing she is worth neither more nor less than any person simply because of her gender. She will know her body is her own; she controls what is to happen with it. No one owns my daughter.

We will support Planned Parenthood. We will support all causes fighting to save lives, promoting diversity, demanding equality. 

My voice is not the loudest one, but it will be a deafening roar to protect her & her future.

Lessons in Letting Go

"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it."

-Ann Landers

I knew it'd be hard to say goodbye to Sam & Davy but I hadn't anticipated it being this difficult. I have two little kitten-sized holes in my heart now. They were our first fosters & we nursed them back to health. It was amazing to see their recovery.

It's such a special, precious gift to teach them love & joy. People are cruel & neglectful to animals, a behavior, a lack of compassion beyond my comprehension so we save these babies & shower them in love & care, teaching them there is good in this world.

We had to let them go so they could show off what they learned & bring joy to another's life. We had to let them go so we could save more lives. 

Fostering is an exercise in love, a grinch-like expanding of your heart, growing larger than you thought possible. Despite the sorrow of farewell, I know there will be more hellos, more little ones to rescue. I have to keep this empty spot in my heart & my home to welcome them.

Thanks to Rescued Pets Movement for this opportunity & the life-saving journeys.

I learn to let go.

Trying New Things: XOVoxBox

"The best things in life are free. The second best things are very, very expensive."

-Coco Chanel

I recently received my first VoxBox! I AM SUPER OBSESSED. I freaking love free stuff so when Tiffany recommended this to me, I had to jump on board. I signed up last fall but with the hub-bub of the wedding going on, I forgot about it. But no longer. FREE. STUFF. Seriously, look at all that shit. I'm pretty obsessed with the John Frieda Beach Blonde Collection (hello, blonde-beach lover here) & the Colgate Optic White products appeal to my dental vanity.

I love the Tide Pods because they're a product I'd normally never purchase myself so I'm excited to try them out. 

Everyone. Sign up for Influenster. Get free shit.

Touching the Sun

"Everyone forgets Icarus also flew." 

-Jack Gilbert

My life is a shearing away of the unessential me, the delving deeply into the core of my being & sloughing off the behaviors & speeches which don't coincide to the fundamental Christine. I've lost so many friends over the course of my life, some more jarringly than others, through faults of theirs, through faults of mine, through the passage of time, & going forward, all I can do is remain true to myself & what I identify with as a life worth living.

I might crash in my folly to reach the sun, but I will come closer than any of these earth-bound cowards.

Burning

photo from here.

"Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world...would do this, it would change the earth." 

-W. Faulkner

I cannot condone the rioting but I also cannot condemn it. I will never know what it's like to fear for my child's life every time he leaves the house because his skin is dark. I will never understand the immediate racial prejudice received from having dark skin. It will never be my life experience. I empathize as best I can with the rage an entire group of people feel because they've been made victims again and again and again, in a never-ceasing history of racism. I'm mad as hell, personally, because I thought we were better than this, I thought America, supposed land of the free, was finally trying to shake loose the burden of racism which has shackled us from our very beginnings.

I'm annoyed as hell that we applaud the rebellion in a movie where they pledge if "we burn, you burn with us," but denounce people who have, very much in real life, been oppressed violently. Probably because it's a pretty white woman doing the screaming. That's what I wish for the world, that more people would speak up, be enraged at the horrible things being done here.

I can't breathe. We can't breathe. I can't stop thinking about this. How can the body of America continue to live without air? This is so heart-breaking. Please, speak out, don't allow racism to continue to rear its ugly head. Just so you know, if you remain silent on this, you are complicit in this murder.

Married & Almost 30

Photo Credit: Leighanne Herr Photography

"I feel good with my husband: I like his warmth and his bigness and his being-there and his making and his jokes and stories and what he reads and how he likes fishing and walks and pigs and foxes and little animals and is honest and not vain or fame-crazy and how he shows his gladness for what I cook him and joy for when I make him something, a poem or a cake, and how he is troubled when I am unhappy and wants to do anything so I can fight out my soul-battles and grow up with courage and a philosophical ease. I love his good smell and his body that fits with mine as if they were made in the same body-shop to do just that. What is only pieces, doled out here and there to this boy and that boy, that made me like pieces of them, is all jammed together in my husband. So I don't want to look around any more: I don't need to look around for anything." 

-Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I married Tom on an overcast afternoon in Downtown Houston, in front of our closest loved ones. I'm told the sun chose our vows as the moment to make an appearance, but I was too focused on not crying to notice Ra celebrating my love & our promises to each other. Expectedly, the night passed in a whirl of brief moments with people, punctuated with drinks, snapshots of the night remembered the next day. 

Everything about our wedding was perfect. I could not have asked for anything more. Not a step was out of place, not a plan falling awry. 

I cannot wait to get the rest of our wedding pictures! Leighanne is not only a photographer, but truly an artist, taking not just pictures, but making each photograph into its own work of art. 

Now with the stress of wedding planning behind us & the anticipation of a beautiful photo album all that remains, we look forward to our honeymoon! I'm slowly working towards organizing the myriad of activities we have planned. Tom asked if we could take a couple weeks break from planning before I started another spreadsheet. :P I can't help it! I love planning! I love the organization, the fitting of puzzle pieces together to make an event come alive. It's a way for me to control the chaotic world in which we live. I theorize that's why I love cooking so much; each night I can plan & execute a gourmet dinner, crafting & controlling my evening. 

Anyhow, for a while now, I've been warning people to expect big things of my 30th birthday, but now I'm kind of worn out on the BIG event planning & instead, I think I'm going to just have those available & in town over for a night of drinks & chatting. Low-key house party to ring in the new decade of life. 

Each year gets better & better; I can't wait for what 30 has in store for me! The best part continues to be sharing this life of mine with Tom.

love,

christine

Goodbye Old Posts!

thanks for the pic heather!

"You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."

-Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I reverted years and dozens of past posts to drafts so they no longer show in my blog. I wanted a way to archive them so they weren't deleted, but I no longer wanted them accessible to the public. The past posts show a journey to the person I am today, but didn't paint the entire picture. The growing control-freak in me hated the inconsistencies, the lack of organization & frankly, I just couldn't stand the idea of people reading that crap anymore. SO BAI.

Since almost dying from an (as of now, not 100% diagnosed) allergic reaction, life has been on the up & up. Most notably, Tom & I are now engaged! I'm over the moon excited! Wedding plans are coming along nicely, although it kills me how expensive it is to host a big party to celebrate your love. Oh well, it's just money.

I wonder if we've fallen into a rut: work, dinner, whatever, weekends travel, repeat. I mean, if it's a rut, it's one in which I'm completely happy. For the first time in my life, I'm content. I am happy with Tom, with my life, with how things are going, with the idea of my future, with everything. I've never felt this way before; before there was always some wanting, whether expressed or hidden away like a guilty emotion.

I never thought I'd be this happy & excited to be an old, boring person.

Allergies are KILLER

Death Wash

"If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats."

-Lemony Snicket

I finally made an appointment to see an allergist next week after almost dying last night. Good god, allergic reactions are no joke. And it's ridiculous what triggered it.

I had scuffed up my knees/elbows Saturday night in Heather/Andrew's pool and wanted to make sure they were nicely washed out yesterday, so I used this antiseptic wash Tom's mom (a retired nurse) had given us. With a known antibiotic allergy (rocephin), I read the back of the bottle to make sure that it's not in there and sure enough, it wasn't so YOLO I decided, very dumb in retrospect. I washed my knees and my hands with the solution, rinsed off, dried & bandaged my knees. I put on pajamas and sit in bed next to Tom where he was playing games on my nook. My stomach itched... I scratched, then I noticed my palms & feet were throbbing itchy, then when I sat up to scratch my feet, a hot flash swept through my body and I stood up saying, "Tom, something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with my body." I couldn't think, everything itched so badly, I was short of breath & all I wanted was to rinse the itch off, so I hopped back in the shower, incoherent. I'm susceptible to anxiety attacks, so I try to mentally calm myself down to assess: is this all in my head or am I physically reacting to something. I realize there's a rock sitting on my chest & I need to go to the hospital. Tom helps me get dressed & we're out the door. I start seeing black spots walking to the car and I'm super flushed, super itchy all over. Tom speeds to the 24 hour Emergency Clinic right by our house (kind of like an urgent care, but billed as an ER) where I tell the woman I believe I'm having a severe allergic reaction. At this point, it's getting difficult to breathe and I'm beet red, covered in hives, so duh, severe allergic reaction. The woman then proceeds to hand me a stack of paperwork to fill out. I mumble, "can't" and push it towards Tom so I can flop down on the couch before I pass out. I'm sitting there, struggling to breathe, dying from itch, in pain, hot, trying hard not to lose consciousness, when she tells me my insurance isn't valid. I said, "You're wrong, I work there still & I pay for it, it's valid." So she takes her sweet time calling the insurance company, going through their automated system and she tells me, "Your birthday is wrong." It's my fucking birthday. I know it's when it is. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I said, "please, I just need someone to help me," starting to cry because looking up, it hits me that I could actually die. It's so hard to stay awake. My heart is pounding out of my chest, my vision shaking with each thunderous beat. Tom is getting pissed at the woman and finally snaps, "We're going to the hospital if you cannot help her." The woman tries to slow us down by asking us if we wanted her to shred the fucking paper. Bitch, I AM DYING I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE FUCKING USELESS PAPERWORK.

At this point, tears running down my face, I stumble back out to the car and Tom flies to the real hospital. I walk in, a cop takes one look at me and puts me in a wheelchair. They don't even ask about insurance, they wheel me back and start getting my vitals & info about what the hell is going on. My systolic blood pressure is 85 (which I learned from Roya is very, very bad). We have the bottle of wash with us to show them what I'm reacting to. They start pumping me with steroids & benadryl and can't stop commenting on how red I am. I can't stop shaking, I'm so cold. My muscles hurt from the constant convulsing. I can only imagine how revolting I looked, red of a thousand sunburns, hives, sausage fingers and toes. With the medicine, my blood pressure and pulse returned to normal, and I became my normal pale skinned-self. My doctor & nurse were shocked by my reaction & especially shocked by what caused it: chlorhexidine wash. It's commonly used in hospitals as pre-surgical scrub for both the doctor's hands and the person undergoing surgery. Even the soap dispenser in my room was equipped with the stuff (aka death all around me).

Roya pointed out as terrible as last night was, thank god it happened then & now I can tell them if I ever have to have surgery not to use it on me because I could die. The only other time I had such a severe reaction was to a different antibiotic & I was so sick already, I didn't really notice/remember. This was terrifying, I'm still pretty shaken from it. I'm on steroids, pepcid & benadryl for this week because they don't know how much of the wash my body absorbed.

Anyhow, thanks to my doctor & nurses at Memorial Hermann Memorial City Medical Center! Jerry was the best nurse I've ever had and made me feel safe when I was out of my mind. Dr. Chiang was so sweet, charismatic & I deeply appreciate the time she took to sit with me to answer all my concerns. Seriously, best bedside manner of all time.

Thanks to my sweet, sweet boyfriend. Tom kept his head about him the whole time & couldn't have been more perfect in the situation. His calming presence did a world of wonders for me, I just feel bad that I scared him so much!

I won't be YOLOing with antibiotics/antiseptics anymore.

My Struggle

Glare: Activated

"I am an optimist... I choose to be. There is a lot of darkness in our world, there is a lot of pain and you can choose to see that or you can choose to see the joy. If you try to respond positively to the world, you will spend your time better."

-Tom Hiddleston

Ugh. I've found myself complaining more & more & more & more. A disgusting habit. People are annoying, they do stupid things which piss me off. I'm treated unfairly, I face the consequences of my rash behaviors, I whine whine whine. Another complaint: I'm tired of it. I'm swirling in a cloud of negativity of my own harbouring and I want to excise these dark spirits. 

I'm choosing to embrace the positive, focus on the good. Well, I'm going to try. 

I can blah blah blah people do things which hurt me and by whining, I am choosing to be a victim. I don't want to... I want to be a maker of my own mind. 

I would love advice on how to vent my feelings without wallowing, how to release the pent up angers & frustrations without becoming a demeaning person. Ayudame. 

Why We Can't Kill

"I believe ..  that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system." - Neil Gaiman

I've wavered my entire life on my beliefs about the death penalty, but I cannot stand undecided any longer. It is wrong. It is inexcusably wrong.

At first, I believed justice was served by capital punishment such as, why should someone who commits such an atrocious act be allowed to live out the rest of his or her life while their victim(s) did not? Why do they get to play god? How could I, never having experienced such a violent loss, look a mother in the eyes and tell her that her child's murderer should not also die? To try and empathize, I imagined how I would feel if someone murdered a member of my family, would I relish in seeing the perpetrator die?

Nothing good would come from it.

This is why we are the good guys: we do not murder. Our descent into capital punishment has condemned us as surely as we have condemned the accused.

We are the good guys because we are better than that. We are better than rash thinking, impulsive violence, nonsensical rage.

I constantly refer to the Christian religion, the seat of my personal faith and the community which seems to rule this country; you guide yourselves by asking, what would Jesus do?

He did not throw the stone.

Oatmeal Cookies

image credit

"So you have your price. Your soul for a cookie."

-James Patterson, Max

Dear Oatmeal Cookie,

I love you. People mock your healthy oats & squishy raisins, but I cherish your soft, textured consistency. The delight of biting into an explosion of fruity sweet sun of grape. Your subtle spiciness layered under delectable sugariness. 

Oatmeal Cookie: haters gonna hate.

We have each other. From now until eternity.

love

christine

Whites.

Image credit

"The irony of American history is the tendency of good white Americans to presume racial innocence. Ignorance of how we are shaped racially is the first sign of privilege.

In other words. It is a privilege to ignore the consequences of race in America."

-Tim Wise

I'm encountering a lot of people who are tired of political correctness as if the very act of not being offensive is exhausting. I mean, how tiresome it is to be mindful of what you're saying. 

Really?

I mean, really?

I think it is complete bullshit we have an NFL team called the Redskins. Call me a bleeding heart, PC liberal all you want. I'd rather be that than an ignorant, offensive racist. It is almost 2014, we need to be better. I try to explain it this way: if the NFL had a team called the Blackies with a black person as the mascot, we'd shut that shit down, because most of us by now know you can't do that. THE SAME THING APPLIES TO NATIVE AMERICANS. God, as if stealing their land, killing them, etc wasn't enough, we appropriate their culture and get offended at their offense. I am so sick of it. The worst part is that it's generally very privileged white people getting so up in arms against being "politically correct." Because god-forbid anyone takes away their comfort found in objectifying minorities. 

The kicker: when white people use the, "well, why can they get away with calling us cracker [insert any other white slur]." Please, tell me, are you truly offended by that? Is anyone? Right, no. Because we're fucking white and there are so so so many advantages to being white. See: arewhitepeopleraciallyoppressed.com/

Text:

Sorry I’m being so negative. I’m a bummer, I don’t know I shouldn’t be I’m a very lucky guy. I got a lot going from me. I’m a healthy, I’m relatively young. I’m white; which thank God for that sh** boy. That is a huge leg up, are you kidding me? I love being white I really do. Seriously, if you’re not white you’re missing out because this sh** is thoroughly good. Let me be clear by the way, I’m not saying that white people are better. I’m saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue? If it was an option I would reup ever year. Oh yeah I’ll take white again absolutely, I've been enjoying that, I’ll stick with white thank you. Here’s how great it is to be white, I could get in a time machine and go to any time and it would be fuckin’ awesome when I get there. That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can’t fuck with time machines. A black guy in a time machine is like hey anything before 1980 no thank you, I don’t want to go. But I can go to any time. The year 2, I don’t even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, welcome we have a table right here for you sir. … thank you, it’s lovely here in the year 2. I can go to any time in the past, I don’t want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we’re going to pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that … we’re not just gonna fall from number 1 to 2. They’re going to hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever and we totally deserve it but for now wheeeee. If you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole. It is great and I’m a man. How many advantages can one person have? I’m a white man, you can’t even hurt my feelings. What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? Hey cracker … oh ruined my day. Boy shouldn’t have called me a cracker, bringing me back to owning land and people what a drag.

The first thing we can do is recognize our privilege. And then not be such huge, massive dicks about it.

I don't want blogs like this to have to exist: http://thisiswhiteprivilege.tumblr.com/ I don't want to be associated with this awful, terrible side of a people. Which is why I take the time to be politically correct... it really shouldn't even be called that. It should be called, being a decent human being, thinking before speaking, considering those outside of myself. 

Link-heavy writing, I know, but there's a wealth of material on the internet about white privilege. Last one: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

It's frustrating... by writing (venting) this very post, I'm participating in my skin color advantage. As a white person, I can criticize white people more freely than a minority could, because I belong to this large, ruling group. 

Anyhow. I don't know what any of this means except that I want people to be better. I want people to stop being racist assholes in front of me and then being affronted when I voice my opinion as well. I'm through with remaining silent just to placate. I will not be a willing participant in society's expectations of me to be pleasing, quiet, diminutive, calm. If you feel so free to vocalize your ignorance, I will, just as freely, attempt to educate your ass. 

.

Stars

image credit

"We are all star stuff."

-Carl Sagan

Bright Night Watchers,
What do you see,
When you peer down
and shine on me?

My eyes closed tightly
in lazy slumber?
Or perhaps I'm awake
in midnight wonder.

When you read my words,
Do you mock them aloud?
In translucent, permanent
celestial sound?

Dream in my eyes

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

- e e cummings

You brought me a bright moon.

Like a Boss

credit: thought questions

"Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Guess what?! I got a promotion and a raise! After two years of drudgery, no recognition, and underappreciation at my last company, this feels amazing. It only took 7 months of doing what I do and it paid off. 

They announced in the company meeting today about my promotion and that I'll be transitioned as soon as my replacement is located. 

Damn. It feels so good to be here. 

Granted, this isn't my ~*~DrEaM~*~ career, but I've worked hard to establish myself in this industry and I'm proud I'm finally, finally, finally getting somewhere. Which brings me to a point: you don't have to have a job in your passion in order to be fulfilled. It would be nice if I could find a lucrative career which would enable my desired lifestyle by reading all day, but alas, that isn't going to happen. So now, I work at a job that isn't the most fun but I respect its value and see the importance of it.

Aaaaand it brings in a paycheck which DOES enable my lifestyle of leisure while putting a bit away in savings and cutting down some of that pesky student loan debt.

Anyhow. I am happy. 

All I Wanna Do

"You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me."

-C.S. Lewis

This is the face I make when inefficient communicators and perpetually poor planners interrupt what I thought was going to be a night of R&R: Reading & Relaxation.

So... in lieu of this pleasurable past time, I reflect on the things which I would love do all the time, forever and ever amen:

Read: Obviously. I majored in English because it was the closest I could get to reading all of the time. Words, books, my best friends. I am blown away by the creativity in this world and the fact WHOLE LIVES AND UNIVERSES ARE CREATED AND DESTROYED BY PEOPLE! Just think, J.K. Rowling created books from her books: publishing the stories mentioned in passing in her stories. How does her brain function?! WHY DID SHE KILL SO MANY PEOPLE I LOVED? I become emotionally invested in stories. But seriously, anything with words, be warned, I will devour you.

Cook: Doubling my student loan debt to allllllmost get a culinary arts degree could be seen as foolish. But ask Tom, well worth every penny as I crank out homemade dinner after homemade dinner from scratch. It is so satisfying to create a marvelous menu and fill your loved one's tummies with yummy food. Also, it's so interesting on so many varied levels. There's the science behind different culinary aspects (maillard reaction, yo), the aesthetically pleasing art value of a well-crafted plating, and the joy derived from creation. 

Sleep: It's weird to me how much sleep our bodies need and I think people are complete freaks who brag about only getting 5 or fewer hours of sleep per night. Dreaming is awesome! Sleeping is awesome! 

Draw/Paint/Craft: I'm not a gifted artist. I paint and I draw because the act of creation fulfills me. It reminds me that I should approach writing with such recklessness; I really don't give a shit if anyone likes my art or if it's even any good. I made it exist and that is enough for me. But seriously, I could scrapbook forever. I want to live in Hobby Lobby sans the religious zealots keeping me from my birth control. Babies are too messy in craft stores.

 It boils down to this: I want to be creating, enjoying other's creations, or asleep.

love

christine

P.S. I forgot to mention wine, so just assume it's involved in all of the above.