Mommyhood

"You’re not alone when you’re trying to figure out how to buy groceries, cook dinner, wash the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, run the errands, and basically just keep your house running in addition to working, commuting, and spending quality time with your kids. You’re not alone when you’re struggling to physically and mentally relax because there’s always something to be done. A mother’s work is never done, Mama. You know that better than anyone." -ScaryMommy

Mommy guilt is so real. Dropping Rose off at daycare for the first day, I felt like a failure. Why couldn't I somehow make it work to stay home with her? I know logically that's silly, that she's gaining beneficial social development I could never provide her on my own, that she's fine.

Knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier to feel like I'm doing the right thing. What if she loves her teachers more? Missing anything Rose does breaks my heart. The relief I feel when I'm at work, enjoying time spent with other adults, advancing my career, is always present with guilt. Immense, crushing guilt.

Today I am beyond exhausted. Rose woke up twice during the night (hello 4-month sleep regression), & she's still on antibiotics for her cold, which, it's such a joy to give a baby medicine said no one ever. Every morning we have to get her ready, feed her, change her, snuggle her, make sure her diaper bag is packed, give Kitty her medicine, get ourselves ready, make sure my pumping supplies are packed. Add on top of this, I had to round up our foster kittens, & we had to repair the blinds they tore down in the night.

I get to go home to clean up our back room from our temporary kitty guests, finish Tom's father's day gift, wash Rose's diapers, tackle our laundry (omg it's so out of control), dishes, dinner maybe, give Kitty her other medicine, clean the cat boxes, maybe sleep.

So I feel guilty that I'll be relieved when Rose going to bed so I can get things done much more quickly than I could while wearing her.

It's so exhausting & overwhelming sometimes. I could take it easier. I could stop fostering cats. I could let the house run a little less tidy.

Just kidding. We'll keep our house clean, get it all done, & save lives.

Illiterate

"Read in order to live." 

-Gustave Flaubert

I read an article about a man who grew up not knowing how to read (he eventually learned & went on to become a successful speaker & writer, hoorah!) & I almost glossed over it; a child grows up in poverty, is dismissed through class/race/social structures, of course he couldn't be expected to read -- nothing new here.

But then I thought about it again, about how incomprehensible surviving illiteracy is to me. You see, reading is a fundamental fact of my existence. How are there people in this world who live without words?

It is one of the greatest tragedies of our global society we'd find it acceptable to maintain such high levels of illiteracy.

In the article, the author had a teacher who shamed him for his lack of ability & when he encountered this teacher as an adult, he implored him to teach the next generation how to read instead of belittling them for it. It's not an innate skill our bodies involuntarily do; our eyes don't absorb words the way our lungs ventilate oxygen.

To make this world better, we need readers. We need the idea drinkers, the thought producers, the word lovers.

Good, Gifted, Lovely

"I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you. You are my sympathy–my better self–my good angel–I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you–and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one." -Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I am happy.

I have a life full of love.

I want my body back.

"When you're pregnant, you can think of nothing but having your own body to yourself again, yet after having given birth you realize that the biggest part of you is now somehow external, subject to all sorts of dangers and disappearance, so you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out how to keep it close enough for comfort. That's the strange thing about being a mother: until you have a baby, you don't even realize how much you were missing one."

-Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

I'm 27 weeks pregnant.

I feel large & I'm starting to waddle. I'm having issues with my sciatica nerve (thank god for chiropractors), I just blew my nose to find blood, sneezing terrifies me (LOL at the fun with these allergies), & the kicking is both an absolute joy & an absolute annoyance. 

I've never had a uti in my life, now I've had two. The most recent one saw me contemplating moving into the bathroom as the antibiotics ravaged my body, all the while, the little girl in my tummy kicking my already heaving insides. The very beginnings of parenthood already full of beauty & wonder, vomit & poop.

I can't believe I theoretically have 13 more weeks until I deliver this tiny human. I'm only going to get larger. I like finally having a baby bump, but I'm slightly anxious about how rotund I'll grow. Bellies at 40 weeks cease looking cute & just look obscene. 

For someone who doesn't like working out really, I cannot wait to actually be able to run again, to exert myself to the limit physically, to heave out of breath without worrying about the forming fetus sharing my body. Little tenet, I can't wait to evict you!

Mother Bear

"I shall not change my course because those who assume to be better than I desire it."

- Victoria Claflin Woodhull

My feminism is a burning fire in my heart. With my daughter taking shape in my body, it only burns brighter. 

I will shout from the rooftops & force you to eat your inequality before I let you get to her. I will make this world better for her. She will be raised knowing she is worth neither more nor less than any person simply because of her gender. She will know her body is her own; she controls what is to happen with it. No one owns my daughter.

We will support Planned Parenthood. We will support all causes fighting to save lives, promoting diversity, demanding equality. 

My voice is not the loudest one, but it will be a deafening roar to protect her & her future.